End of Winter Musings: On Mayhem, meltdowns and mermaids

Musings

I’m not used to writing about myself or my life outside of my trips… But I figured that I should, actually, give an update since I’ve had such a drastic change in my life last September, which has had a direct impact on my travels, and, ahem, my overall state of mind. So, here goes!

Mayhem

I won’t lie: the fall and winter seasons were absolute crap for me, as I nursed my broken heart. Going through a break-up is a MAJOR pain. I was with Simon for 14 years and we had what I thought was a pretty solid relationship and a wonderful life together. Well, let me tell you: never take things for granted, kids! So I lost my fiancé, my best friend, my partner in crime and my travel/adventures companion. IT SUCKS BALLS. But I had to get back on my feet and start living again, a totally different life that I hadn’t in the least chosen to live. So, while all hell was breaking loose, I’ve had to turn things around and somewhat take care of myself. (Ha! Like that’s something I know how to do!)

If you know me, you know I hate the fall season in general, and the dreary month of November. I’m prone to a dramatic seasonal depression that has me longing for escapes, whether they be tropical or of any other kind. My cancelled trip to the Seychelles was the final nail in the proverbial coffin and I decided to stop fighting my emotions and joined the pity-party, where I was on the VIP guest list. We had fortunately not booked our plane tickets yet so the collateral damage to that cancelled trip wasn’t as huge as it could have been, but I mean: THE SEYCHELLES. You’d think he’d have at least waited until after we’d got back!!

Meltdowns

I guess I learned a lot during this whole process, which I know is far from over, with summer around the corner, bringing its share of memories, from late-night strolls, al fresco week-end breakfasts and iced-coffee dates. I still can’t go through our past travels’ photos without bursting in tears. Which is making writing blog posts freakin’ difficult.

So June is here, and I’m slowly emerging from the cold, eager to start living again. I look forward to many, many happy moments during the next season, as well as moments of peace. Also: to start traveling again. The worst has been to have all my travel plans/dreams crumble right in front of me. I know I’ll be trying solo travel soon enough, but man is it scary.

So, I guess it’s all about balance. Trying to balance going out and seeing people with curling up in my bed to cry. Trying to balance wanting to travel the world with being scared shitless of being on my own and hurting about not experiencing things with someone.

A good friend of mine who’s been present through my ordeal has compared my undergoing brewing state to that of a volcano, joking that Werner Herzog might not be very far, ready to film my inevitable eruption like he did in his doc La Soufrière – Waiting for an Inevitable Disaster. On most days, I must admit that I do feel exactly like a volcano, imploding violently, and just about ready to destroy everything in my surroundings. I then turn to friends, yoga or fiction to quiet things down in my head –  at least for a few minutes.

Mermaids

As for mermaids, well, who hasn’t dreamed of being one? I sure wish I had the self-esteem of a mermaid. But I gotta pick up the pieces and 💪, you know?

So I’ve gone to the hairdresser (choosing him carefully, based on his mermaid hair), and I’ve tried to fit in as many coffee dates with friends as my little crumbling heart-mind-body combo could take. It’s actually really difficult to try and find a pace to a life I was used of living with someone. Worst of it all is trying to figure out who you are… (But since I have a clean slate, I can be a mermaid if I want to, right?)

I did go on a trip last January, spending a week in Barbados with my mom. It was pure bliss, and I felt incredibly lucky to be with her. She helped me start traveling again, and that was such a wonderful feeling.

I had the good sense of starting yoga last fall, going to two classes per week. It was a total life-savior and a wonderful discovery, so I’ll continue that for a while and might even add another class to my schedule, hopefully outside on Saturday mornings to make sure I get up earlier than what I’ve gotten used to and to catch all the sunrays I can. Week-ends as a single human being aren’t as fun as I would like them to be, and I tend to still indulge in self-pity parties and overall declare “fuck everything” once every week-end. After all, mermaids are also allowed to break down once in a while. They just do it more gracefully than others might.

***

Words

You embrace the suck, you move the fuck forward. These words from Whisky Tango Foxtrot stuck with me for a long while. The only way to really move forward is acknowledging how painful something was, and accepting it.

Things will get better, my friend Julia says. I sure hope so ♡

-Cath x

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